An Apology
It is 03:14 AM. I am wide awake, staring at a blank screen and wondering what I’m even doing here. I want to be honest with you: this has been hard. No one tells you that discipline is exhausting. Consistency feels like a heavy weight lately. I was late with my posts twice this week, and in all honesty, I’ve been dreading the keyboard. I tried reading Romans—something about the law and being a slave to Christ—but I had to re-read the same verses seven times just to make sense of the words.
I finally threw up my hands, frustrated and unfocused, and sent a "text" to God: “God, I don’t know what I’m supposed to write. I’m so tired. I’m not in the groove. I feel like I’m not hearing You, and I’m getting anxious that I’m not doing enough. I’m just rambling.”
In the quiet that followed, I opened to Hebrews 11—the famous "Hall of Faith." I paused and asked myself a simple question: What is the actual, biblical definition of faith?
The Nurse and the Pillar
I pulled out my concordance and looked up the Hebrew root for faith: 'âman (the root of our word Amen). I expected to find words like "belief" or "religion." Instead, I found something that stopped me in my tracks: "To foster as a parent or nurse." In Hebrew, faith isn't an abstract thought; it’s a concrete action. It means to prop up, build up, or support.
Think of a massive stone pillar holding up a roof. It is firm. It is reliable. Faith is the act of placing your entire weight on something that will not move. In ancient times, a nurse or foster parent was the ultimate living example of this. They "uphold" someone who cannot stand on their own. When the KJV mentions a "nursing father" (Numbers 11:12), it uses this same root.
The word "nurse" is in the definition of faith because faith is the act of being held by Someone dependable, just as a baby is held by a nurse.
This discovery is why I’m titling this first post in our new series on Faith: "An Apology."
I started this blog because I love writing and I love God. But somewhere along the way, excitement turned into a chore. I think God led me to the word 'âman because I forgot a vital truth: I am called to be the support, not the source. In the definition of 'âman, there are two sides: giving support and receiving support. I’ve been trying to give support to everyone else while refusing to receive it myself. I’ve been trying to be a pillar while standing on shifting sand.
So, I apologize.
I apologize to myself for demanding an unreasonable level of perfection. I apologize for not resting. I apologize for not supporting the woman I see in the mirror. I even apologize for the fact that I feel the need to apologize for being human.
Faith is a journey of ups and downs, of being held and doing the holding. Over the next few posts, we’re going to walk through both sides of 'âman. But for tonight, at 03:14 AM, I’m learning to just let the Pillar hold me.