Is God Actually Mad at Me?
If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent a lot of time reading the Bible through a very specific filter: The Angry Boss Filter. When I used to read the New Testament, I didn’t hear a loving voice. I heard a familiar annoyed one. When Jesus asked a question, I heard a "Why are you following me?" sigh. When He spoke about sacrifice, I felt a "You aren't doing enough". But after that TikTok, I realized something: I wasn't reading the Bible; I was projecting my own low self-worth onto the page. I had to do a "Tone Check."
The Lazarus Test
I used to look at the story of Lazarus (John 11) and see a God who was "deeply moved and angry" and assume He was mad at the people for being sad or having weak faith. But looking at that moment, Jesus didn’t stand over Mary and Martha with His arms crossed, telling them to get it together.
He got in the dirt. The shortest verse in the Bible is "Jesus wept."
He was mad at the PAIN. His "anger" wasn't directed at the sisters who were "trying" to understand; it was directed at Death. It was directed at the "flawed and hurt world" that was breaking His friends' hearts.
If you feel like God is "on your neck" while you are "fucking trying," (still projecting here) you are misreading the target of His anger. He isn't mad at you for being human; He’s mad at the stress that’s stealing your peace.
"What Do You Want?"
There’s a moment in John 1:38 where Jesus turns to those following behind Him and asks, "What do you want?" (or "What do you seek?" in some trnaslations). For years (and yes yesterday), I read that in an annoyed, "What now?" tone. Like I was interrupting Him. But keeping in my mind that TikTok perspective of that question. Imagine a God who is actually interested in you. Imagine Him turning around, looking you in the eyes with zero judgment, and saying:
"I see you following Me. I see you trying so hard to get the routine right. But tell me... what is it that you actually want? What does your heart need right now? Let's talk about that."
That isn't a "get away from me" question. It’s an invitation. In psychology, we call it projection. In the "Quantum" world, they call it a frequency. If you believe God is a critic, you will find a "critique" in every verse. If you believe He is a Friend, you start to see the "Shadows of Grace" everywhere.
Here is how I’m "Tone Checking" my Bible reading now:
The Rule: If a verse sounds like it’s "kicking" me, I stop and re-read it in the voice of a Friend or even what I would tell my own patients.
The Body Language: I look for where Jesus is standing. Is He standing over someone pointing a finger? Or is He sitting at a table with them? (Spoiler: He’s usually ALWAYS at the table face to face).
The "So What?": I remind myself that Jesus is the final word. If a verse in Malachi makes me feel small, I check it against Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus. The "weeping" Jesus wins every time.
My New Disclaimer
I’ve started writing a disclaimer in the front of my New Testament. It says: "Read this as a letter from a Father who is proud of my effort, not a Judge who is counting my flaws."
Because the truth is, God isn't looking for a perfect performance. He’s looking for the "Jacob Wrestle"—the person who stays in the ring, even when they're limping, and says, "I know You're good, so I’m not letting go until I feel it."
“Jesus, I’m realizing today that I’ve been projecting my own fears onto Your words. I’ve been hearing a 'sigh' where there was actually a 'song.' Forgive me for thinking You were on my neck when You were actually in the dirt with me. Today, I’m asking You to 'Tone-Check' my heart. When the old thoughts tell me You’re annoyed or disappointed, let Your actual voice break through—the one that wept with Mary and invited the tired to rest. I’m done being afraid of You; I’m ready to be friends with You.
Amen."
Next time, in the final post of this series, we’re going to look at the "Fact Sheet." Who are you, really, when you aren't "doing" anything at all?
In the mean time, take a second to sit with these. Don't answer them based on what you think the "religious, correct" answer is—answer them based on how you actually feel.
The Voice Check: When you imagine God talking to you about your life right now, what does His voice sound like? Is it a disappointed parent, a frustrated boss, or a compassionate friend?
The Target of Anger: In your current struggle, do you feel like God is mad at you, or can you start to see that He might be mad at the pain that is hurting you?
The Invitation: If Jesus turned to you right now and asked, "What do you actually want?"—knowing He isn't annoyed by the question—what would be the first thing you’d tell Him?
The Filter: What is one "scary" verse you’ve read recently that we can try to re-read through the "Lazarus Filter" (mercy first, miracle second)?