From the Bathroom Floor to His Grace
Today’s post feels different because God is pulling on a very specific thread in my heart: Identity. I have often said my life is an undeniable testimony of God’s love and grace. Yesterday, I shared some of my struggle with suicide, but today we must look at the other side of that darkness. For a long time, suicide was my "first responder." During years of toxic, abusive relationships, my ritual was to take a handful of Benadryl and lock myself in the bathroom. The cycle was brutal—abuse led to self-harm, which led to the trauma of being forced to vomit or being rushed to the hospital mid-seizure.
Looking back with the eyes of a nurse and the heart of compassion, I see why I ran toward an end: my identity and self-worth were variables. I was looking externally for a constant that can only be found internally.
The Constant in the Variable
Identity is how we see ourselves, how we honor ourselves, and ultimately, how we honor God. When our identity exists outside of Him, it becomes a shadow. Yet, through every attempt I made to leave this world, God remained the one true Constant. He consistently saved me from myself because, for reasons I am finally beginning to accept, I am important to Him.
And you are, too.
The Bible is filled with reminders of how intricately He created us and how closely He remains. That proximity can definitely feel scary at first, but it is actually the ultimate comfort. He was in that dark bathroom with me as a child, and He was there in the hospital rooms. Our quirks and the things we judge ourselves for are not mistakes; they are parts of a whole that deserve compassion.
Love is the Kingdom Within
In a world addicted to comparison and instant gratification, we’ve become desensitized to the power of love. Jesus called love the greatest commandment. If you look at 1 Corinthians 13 and replace the word "love" with "God," you see why.
God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud. God does not dishonor others, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails.
The Kingdom of God isn’t something we have to hunt for in the world; it is within us You are a beautiful creation—the good, the bad, and the "ugly" included. Remember, many of God’s "chosen" people were rarely the worlds’ definition of "good" people on paper. Look at Paul: he was the Hitler of his time, hunting down believers dragging women, men and even children out of their homes to murder them! Until God literally blinded him with the truth. God took a persecutor and made him the primary author of the New Testament!
A Father Unlike Any Other
I don’t know what the full picture looks like for my life or yours. But I do know God is a Father. Unlike earthly fathers—who, regardless of how good or bad they are, cannot compare—He is the ultimate Creator. It’s easy to get lost in the 'Hugeness' of God—the All-Knowing, All-Powerful Creator. But 'Huge' can feel distant. When I started looking for the Father in the Bible, I found someone who counts the hairs on my head and runs down the driveway to meet me when I'm messy (Luke 15 The Prodigal Son). Seeing Him as a Father changes the conversation. I’m no longer some “subject” pleading with a King; I’m a daughter talking to her Dad. A King might judge my performance, but a Father just wants me home. This perspective shift changed everything for me: He isn't just 'The God' who saved my life; He’s 'My Dad' who wouldn't let me go. The world is broken, and though God doesn't approve of the pain we endure, He has the authority to redeem it. He took a child beaten down by the world and turned her into the strong nurse I am today. My journey isn't finished, and tomorrow I’ll continue sharing my testimony. But today, I just wanted to remind you (and myself): He is the Father, and you are His.