The Headache, The Wrestle, The 10%
Lately, I’ve been on a mission to "be better." I think we all have those seasons where we decide we’re going to finally get our spiritual lives together—lock in the routine, find the discipline, and finally hear the voice of God clearly. I wanted to be the person who finds peace in the Word, but if I’m being honest, the journey has felt more like a battlefield than a quiet peaceful afternoon! We’ve finished looking over three books in the Bible: Job, Judges, and Esther. These weren’t exactly "light" reading. They are full of suffering, messy leaders, and intense survival challenges As I looked back over my first few posts about them, I noticed a recurring theme, a feeling I couldn't shake: The Bible gives me a headache.
I found myself forcing it. I was sitting down to read not out of desire, but out of a desperate sense of duty—like if I just put in enough hours, God would finally be satisfied with me. It was in this "forced" headspace that I opened my Bible to the book of Malachi, hoping for a word of encouragement. I didn't get one. At least, not the kind I thought I wanted. I immediately got caught up on Malachi 1:3: “…but I rejected his brother, Esau.” Wait a minute—didn’t Jacob literally manipulate their dad into giving Esau’s blessing to himself? Why is God rejecting a man who got stolen from?
I had to look at the historical context. In the book of Obadiah, we find that Esau’s descendants (the people of Edom) were awful. They were kicking their brothers when they were down. Okay, fine. They messed up. I get it.
But then I kept reading Malachi, and I just got annoyed because I started relating it to my own life. I’ve been struggling with tithing, devotional time, and just giving God my "best." All I read in verses 6-17 was: "You are doing horrible." I saw the "weak sacrifices" of their time as our modern-day failures:
The Sacrifice of Time: If you spend your best, most alert hours on entertainment and only give God the final 5 minutes when you’re nodding off? That’s a crippled sacrifice.
The Sacrifice of Talent: If you give 20% effort to your community or church because "it’s just church"? That’s a weak sacrifice.
The Sacrifice of Treasure: Giving only if there’s money left over after every luxury has been satisfied? That’s a blemished sacrifice.
The Sacrifice of Self: Showing up for rituals while clinging to old habits.
The core principle seemed to be: A true sacrifice must cost you something. Like King David said, "I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God that cost me nothing."
The Breaking Point
So, it has to cost me? Is that it? I sat there reading Malachi and all I heard was: "You are not doing enough."
I went to my past pay stubs. I started calculating. I realized I was about $63 short of a full 10% tithe. I had exactly $69 in my bank account. In my grumbling, I sent that $63 to a church I don’t even really care for. Then, I finally lost it. I yelled at God:
"There. I met my 10%. My heart wasn't in it, but I’m showing effort. Trying is better than not. I have zero money now, but I need you to get off my neck. Give me credit where it’s due. I will never be perfect; You made me flawed and hurt by the world, and I am trying every day. I’m not going to be made small for my strong efforts. You can criticize me and point out my flaws, but what’s NOT going to happen is me opening the Bible just to be kicked over my efforts. I’m not Jesus. I’m human. I have a good heart and I’ll always, always try."
I slammed the Bible shut. I was done. I went straight to a doom-scroll to numb the frustration! (I may be just a touch dramatic, lol).
The Pursuit
But God, being God, pursues me even in the scroll. I came across a TikTok that stopped me cold. It wasn't about "trying harder." It was about Quantum Technology, Identity, and Tone. It made me realize that I’ve been reading the Bible with a "Performance Filter"—hearing an angry boss when I should have been hearing a Father.
This series is about that shift. Over the next few posts, I’m breaking down how I’m learning to stop "begging" from a place of lack and start "aligning" from a place of identity. We’re going to talk about:
The Shift: Changing how we observe God.
The Tone Check: Why Jesus isn't actually "on your neck."
The Identity Fact Sheet: Who you are when you do "nothing."
I’m Done Performing" Prayer
"God, I’m being honest: I’m exhausted. I’ve been trying to buy Your approval with my 10% and my morning routines, and all I’ve gotten is a headache and an empty bank account. I’ve been looking at You like a Boss who is ready to fire me, rather than a Father who is for me. Right now, I am choosing to lay down the 'Performance.' I’m stepping out of the lane of trying and I’m asking You to move me into the lane of being. If Your tone isn't actually 'angry,' then change the way I hear Your voice. If my worth isn't actually tied to my efforts, then show me the truth. I’m still in the ring, and I’m still wrestling—but I’m done trying to earn what You’ve already promised to give. I’m ready to see You differently.
Amen."