When Being Known Feels Scary
In my last post, I was honest about my burnout. I was honest about the fact that I’m mean to myself because I feel like I am failing in my "spiritual" walk. As I look at 2026, I have massive goals. I want the house. I’m planning the wedding. I’m checking my savings account every day like it’s a job! I am working overtime more these coming months. And in the middle of all this noise, I feel God’s silence. I thought, “Of course He’s silent. Look at you. You’re more worried about money and guest lists than you are about the Gospel.”
The Air Vent
Working in home health, I learned something very valuable. People don’t necessarily want you around for the conversation. Many of my older patients want someone in the air. Or as I like to say, the air vent. In my job, I know when a patient is overwhelmed. I don’t ask them if they want a lecture; I just sit with them. They just need a presence. They need to know they aren't alone in the room. I feel this way too. At times, I don’t want someone in my face talking, laughing, and at times even breathing! I want someone in the air vent, out of my face but close enough where I know I am not alone. I so often get overstimulated. Probably because I am an energizer bunny 24/7. And resting is really hard, really hard to do. My brain feels like a browser with 50 tabs open: Wedding guest list, the house, savings spreadsheets, the World Cup schedule. I feel guilty that 'The Word' isn't the biggest tab open. I feel like I am failing God because I am thinking about floor plans instead of parables. Why can't I let God be in the air? Why do I think I have to 'perform' a Bible study for Him when I’m clearly exhausted?
I went back to Psalm 139:8-10.
“If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I fly on the wings of the dawn and settle down on the western horizon, even there your hand will lead me; your right hand will hold on to me.”
David says that even if he settles on the far side of the sea, God’s hand will guide him. I’ve realized that the "far side of the sea" for me right now is 2026 planning. For me, the 'depths' lately haven't been some deep theological valley—it’s the depth of a spreadsheet and the holiday burnout. It’s the feeling of being 'mean' to myself. And the life-giving truth is: He is there, too. It’s the mental exhaustion of trying to build a life while trying to be a "good" Christian.
The life-giving realization?
God isn’t waiting for me to finish the wedding planning so I can "get back" to Him. He’s in the fabric of it. He’s in the "unfiltered thoughts" I have while I’m driving. He’s in the room when I’m too tired to open my Bible. He knit me together—not just my spirit, but my busy, impulsive, goal-oriented mind. He isn't intimidated by my "to-do" list. The pressure to "match" will be gone when I realize He’s already in the air vent, watching me plan my wedding and buy my house, loving me not for how much I study, but simply because I am His.
When my mind is blank and I have no plan, Romans 8:26 promises that the Spirit translates my exhaustion into prayer. I don’t have to be eloquent. Matthew 11:28 tells me He isn’t asking for more "study"—He’s asking for my company. Even when my heart condemns me, 1 John 3:20 says God is greater than my heart. I am choosing a "holy stubbornness." I am asking for a tongue that sustains the weary (Isaiah 50:4)—starting with the weary woman in the mirror.
The "Isaiah 50:4" Prayer
“Father,
You know the words on my tongue before I speak them. Help me to stop using my words to bully Your creation. I ask for a well-instructed tongue today—not so I can perform, but so I can sustain my own weary heart. When my feelings don’t match my faith, remind me that You are greater than my heart. Teach me to be as kind to myself as You have been to me.
Amen."