Speaking Life into the “Knit”
In my last post, I was honest about the civil war inside my head. I admitted that my internal voice is often a bully—harsher and meaner than any critic I’ll ever face. I talked about the "Air Vent Presence," the relief of realizing that God is in the room even when I’m too burnt out to be "spiritual." But today, I’m realizing that just sitting in the room isn’t the end of the story. Eventually, someone has to speak. And for too long, the most passionate voice in my life has been the negative one.
The Holy Stubbornness
I’ve been told I am intelligent, well worded (depending on the person you ask, lol), and empathetic. I use my words to advocate for my patients and to encourage my friends. But when I turn those words toward myself? I become a different person. I use my words to dissect my own flaws and my passion to critique my failures. I think I’ve been trying to follow King Solomon’s advice in Proverbs to just "shut up" and be quiet. But maybe the lesson for me isn't silence—it’s redirection.
Psalm 139:14 says: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
The hardest part of that verse isn't believing that God's works are wonderful. It’s the "I know that full well" part. It’s the choice to agree with God when my feelings are screaming the opposite. It’s a holy stubbornness—deciding that if the Creator of the universe says I am a "wonderful work," then my feelings of being "ugly" or "crazy" are quite literally lying to me.
2026: Evidence, Not Burdens
As I look at my 2026 spreadsheet—the wedding, the house, the savings, the overtime—I’ve realized I’ve been viewing them as "distractions" from God. I felt like they were the things keeping me from being "closer" to Him.
But if I am "wonderfully made," then the life I am building is a part of that wonderful work.
That house isn't just a mortgage; it’s a safe home God is providing.
That wedding isn't just a guest list; it’s a celebration of a union He knit together.
That overtime isn't just a grind; it's the strength He’s given me to provide for my future.
These aren't burdens that pull me away from God; they are evidence of His goodness in my life.
Faith doesn’t always change the feeling. I will probably still wake up tomorrow and feel the weight of the world. I might still be impulsive with my words or feel the heaviness of self-doubt. Faith doesn't make the mean voice disappear instantly, but it changes which voice gets the final word.
I am choosing to use my intelligent and thoughtful voice to narrate my life with grace. When the mean voice calls me a failure, my "holy stubborn" voice will reply: "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." When the critic says I’m not doing enough, I will say: "I am keeping company with a God who quiets me with His love."
I am practicing ( and will more than likely never stop practicing) the art of being as kind to myself as I am to my patients. I am learning to be "close" to the version of myself that God already loves.
The walk is still hard. The feelings are still messy. But today, I’m letting the truth have the mic.
A Prayer for the "Final Word"
"Lord,
thank You for making me a 'wonderful work.' Give me the stubbornness to believe Your word over my feelings. Help me to use the eloquence You gave me to speak life into the life You are building for me. May my house, my marriage, and my work be a reflection of Your goodness.
Amen."