When Faith and Feelings Don’t Match
I thought when I started this blog it was something God called me to start. However, the more I write and study, the more I see that this walk is extremely hard. It is extremely hard. Starting in 2026, I have so many goals. Buying house, the World Cup, visiting family, saving money, planning a wedding…. However, I see that my priority always needs to be God. That is easier said than done. So far, every series I have started, I am progressively getting more burnt out. As I type this post, I, in all honesty, have no plan, no ideas, no inkling of what to even write about. I feel like I don’t hear God today. I haven’t been reading my Bible as much since the holidays, and you would think with a holiday about our Savior, it would bring me closer to God, but sadly, I feel the opposite. I know technically speaking I can’t become any closer to God than I already am. I mean, in Psalm 139, King David writes that God knows everything about me that He knit me together in my mother’s womb. That God knows the words in my head and on my tongue before I even know it. And tbh that is scary. I am, in all honesty, so mean and hateful to myself, and at times I will admit my mouth is harsher than I intend it to be. I curse, embellish, gossip, lie…. And the more I learn about my flaws and become self-aware, I have learned that if I don’t speak of my strengths along with my flaws, I am just bullying myself. I may be impulsive with my words more than I would like. I am also smart, eloquent, thoughtful, caring, and empathetic. However, God knows my thoughts, the thoughts I speak, and the thoughts I hide. God hears my thoughts of calling myself crazy, ugly, etc. I realize that I speak more passionately in negativity than in positivity. So why am I even writing this blog? Why am I even reading and trying to become better when in reality, it isn’t matching?
I feel like some of my issues continue because I am supposed to learn something from them. I know one lesson I have such a hard time grasping is my own mouth. I mean if we read the book of Proverbs, I feel like King Solomon is just screaming the entire time to shut up. To just stop talking. I mean how many verses in the Bible are there that speak about how our mouths bring life and death? I mean realistically in this day and age that is the issue. Our mouths, our words, our impulsive unfiltered thoughts being poured out. And isn’t that what I am doing here? It’s easy for me to tell my friends or family to be nicer to themselves when I hear their own self-deprecating talk, but my own voice? My own voice is meaner and harsher than any critic I will ever receive. I strongly believe that Satan doesn’t need to curse me, because I do it. He can whisper these thoughts and I really believe them. I mean why am I believing, listening, and speaking these lies? Why is my self-worth still so extremely low despite my studying, my growth, my attempts? Why can’t faith change our feelings? I read somewhere that the areas we struggle with the most are the same areas we are meant to prosper. My feelings have often given me an understanding of my patients. I know at times wee dont crave conversation we crave someone as I like to say someone in the air vent.
So why am I posting this? Because if I only write when I’m "winning," I’m just embellishing again. I am impulsive, harsh, and struggling. AND I am smart, eloquent, thoughtful, and deeply caring. Both are true. God knows both. Maybe the point of this "walk" isn't to finally become perfect so the mean voice goes away. Maybe the point is to keep walking while the voice is still screaming, trusting that the One who knit me together has better ears than I do.
If you’re in the air vent today, just existing and feeling like your faith doesn't match your feelings—I’m right there with you. I am praying the next time you visit I will have a better idea of what to write!