The Messy Work of Self Respect
Another day of writing in the wee hours! I’m still navigating what my next series will be. Writing about the past became too heavy, so I’ve decided to fast forward to who I am today: someone I am growing to love and, most importantly, someone I respect. My brother often says we have to respect ourselves, but for a long time, I didn’t. I allowed myself to stay in toxic relationships and environments that drained me. Many people mistake self-respect for being "mean" or "shutting people out," but in reality, it is simply deciding where you end and someone else begins. The story isn't just about the weight I carried; it’s about the person I’ve become while putting it down.
The Grace in the Mess
Seeing my life reflected in court and medical records is heartbreaking, but those records helped shape me. Learning to respect myself means showing compassion to the woman I used to be. My choices may not have been the 9192929% best ones, but they were the ones I made when I thought it was best. God has shown me that unlearning generational pain and breaking cycles is a messy, uncomfortable process.
1) It’s uncomfortable to face the decisions I made.
2) It’s messy to be this honest in these posts.
3) It’s uncomfortable to set boundaries.
4) It’s messy to admit I wasn't always my "greatest self."
But there is beauty in the mess of loving yourself.
An Act of Agreement
I read Numbers 6:24-26 today—the priestly blessing God told Moses to speak over His people:
“May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.”
This passage gave me a new perspective. We are God’s beautiful, beloved creations. If the Creator of the universe looks at us with favor and offers us peace, then disrespecting ourselves is, in a way, disagreeing with His judgment. If the Lord smiles on you, who are you to frown at yourself?
Self-respect becomes an act of agreement with God. It is seeing the beauty in His creation, even when that creation is still "under construction." I want to speak these blessings not just over my current self, but over the version of me in those court records. I want to speak them over the people I’ve loved, the ones I’ve lost, and even those I’ve drifted apart from. I don’t know why my life has played out the way it has, but I finally know that I am important. Respecting myself isn't about having a perfect record; it’s about honoring the life God is still busy redeeming.