The "Mirror" of Victimhood
Yesterday, I spoke about the idols I’ve carried without even knowing it. And today, I want to talk about what happens when those idols start to crush you. For me, that weight felt like constant, uncontrollable tears.
In nursing school, I was "the girl who cried." I heard the whispers from peers: "They only feel bad for her because she cries all the time." If I’m being truly vulnerable, this is the exact reason I failed the NCLEX the first time. I was so overwhelmed with anxiety that I literally blacked out. I remember sitting at the computer, and the next thing I know, I’m on the sidewalk outside the building vomiting. I had no idea how I got out or what questions I had even answered.
When I finally made it to the nursing floor, the cycle didn't stop—it intensified. I didn't know it at the time, but the stress was triggering asthma attacks three to four times a day. I hadn't had an asthma attack since I was five years old, but suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I was sneaking off on my breaks to do nebulizer treatments just so I could get through the next four hours.
I was overstimulated, suffocating, and spilling out everywhere. I’ll never forget the sting of hearing a coworker say, "If you cried today, you’re being sent home. I’m tired of hearing it."
In a field like nursing, where you are supposed to be the "healer," being sent home for being "broken" felt like a double failure. It reinforced the idea that I wasn't "approved" by my peers, leaving me feeling isolated and set up for failure.
Hard Truth: Crying every day isn't a badge of honor or a sign of how hard you’re working; it’s your soul telling you that you’ve turned your suffering into a personality trait.
The Trap of People-Pleasing
I was terrified of losing my license. Being a nurse was my "non-negotiable" dream since childhood. I thought that by staying on the floor while I was physically falling apart, I was being a "good nurse." I was ignoring my asthma, ignoring my mental health, and even watching my own body go through a miscarriage in a hospital bathroom—all to "save" a unit that would have replaced me in 24 hours. I was treating the hospital's responsibilities as more sacred than the life inside me. "I was not 'staying for the patients'; I was staying because I was afraid to find out who I am without the chaos."
Managing What God Entrusted to You
Biblical stewardship is the responsible management of what God has entrusted to us.
Psalm 24:1 reminds us: "The earth is the LORD’s, and the fullness thereof."
That includes your body. That includes your mental health. You are not the owner of your life; you are the caretaker of it. When I stayed on that floor while I was bleeding, I wasn't being a good steward of the body God gave me. I was trying to be a "people pleaser" to a system that didn't even care for me.
1 Thessalonians 2:4 says:
"Instead, just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please people, but rather God, who examines our hearts."
God examined my heart in those years, and He didn't see a "heroic nurse." He saw a daughter who was trying to please a toxic environment instead of trusting the One who had already approved her.
From Stress to Love
So, how do we stop the "leaking" tears of overstimulation? We change what we are overflowing with.
1 Thessalonians 3:12 prays:
"And may the Lord cause you to increase and overflow with love for one another and for everyone..."
My suffering was spilling out as anxiety because I was trying to protect an idol. But when we stand blameless before God, our suffering is replaced by a different kind of overflow. I had to learn that my "sent home" moments weren't a rejection of my calling—they were a call to go back to the Father and remember whose I am.
Reflective Question:
If your body is screaming for air, why are you still trying to give your "last breath" to a job that doesn't care if you can breathe or not? Are you being a caretaker of God’s property (you), or are you letting an idol run it into the ground?
Next Time: Post 3 — Setting the Line. We’ll talk about how Boundaries finally allowed me to stop matching the energy of the chaos and start protecting my peace.