Faith & Bipolar
Hello it is safe to say that life is still “Lifeing.” I had to go back today and remember where I left off, and isn’t it funny that what I wrote was more of comfort to me than people. I went to read my past post to find out where to start and instead found a hug in my own words. I see that this means that even when I feel fractured, there is a version of myself—the one who wrote those words—that knows the truth, even if the "me" of today is struggling to feel it.
I will never not admit that this walk with Jesus is hard. One day I read the Bible and am so confident in my walk with Him, and the next I am screaming in the closet crying telling Him to bring down hellfire and brimstone to those who have hurt me. I don’t know how many times I have written that however we are God just wants to be there. I write about it, I read about it, and know it, and yet I am still stuck with the feeling on the days where emotions are so big that I feel great shame for not being healthier. I still have hate in my heart, anger, pain, fear and all the things God says I am not. In the book of Romans chapter 7, Paul describes this exact internal civil war:
“For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”
The tension I’m describing—the "fire and brimstone" versus the "confidence in the walk"—isn't a sign of failure; it’s a sign of honesty.
I am Bipolar and often HATE HATE that about myself because I am not like others I feel so deeply. I mean I feel like there’s no in between at times. I hate that I am so young and will be on multiple medications my entire life just to be a normal functioning person in society. Then yet I have the audacity to believe in some higher being that lives in the clouds that will swoop me away and save the day. I just don’t know when and if God made me this way why is it so damn hard? I have had so much trouble with my emotions and so many instances where these emotions have ruined so many relationships and so many choices that were made that I regret. I read somewhere that you can’t be mad at yourself because you did what was best with what you knew and had. However it doesn’t change the fact that so much should have been different. Idk I am just in this headspace of Why am I the I am? Why is it all so difficult to be normal?
Living with Bipolar disorder adds a complex layer to faith that many people don't have to navigate. Most people experience emotions like a radio playing at a reasonable volume. For me, that volume knob is often quite literally ripped off. In the New Testament, Paul (who we will keep coming back to because he was so wonderfully frustrated) writes that we have "treasure in jars of clay" (2 Corinthians 4:7). This verse is the foundation of my writings.
The Bipolar brain is a "clay jar" that has some significant cracks. When I am in a depressive state (the lows), my "jar" feels empty. I may not feel God at all. Mania (the highs) feels like a flood of energy and "rightness." It tells me that every impulse I have is a great idea that I need to do NOW. When my brain chemistry shifts the "volume" of my emotions to 11, it’s not me failing morally—it’s a physiological reality.
I wrote above about the "audacity" of taking meds while believing in God. I am a nurse and I know if I had Type 1 diabetes, taking insulin wouldn't mean a lack faith in God’s healing. I would never tell them, "You just need more faith for your pancreas to work." I would tell them to take their insulin because they are being a good steward of the body they were given.
My medication is the "glasses" that help my brain see the world as it actually is, rather than through the distorted lens of a high or a low. I mentioned having the "audacity" to believe in a God in the clouds while being on meds. I’d argue now that’s not audacity—it’s profound hope.
It takes a lot of guts to believe in a God of order when your internal world feels like chaos. I am young, and the idea of being on medication "forever" feels like a life sentence. But what if those meds are just the "anchor" that allows my boat to stay in the harbor so I can actually experience God, rather than being swept out to sea by every chemical tide?